


If Dog is God Spelled Backwards

by iamsiriusblackserious



Series: dumb titles, dumb boys, and beautiful dogs [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Dogs, Domestic, M/M, Present Tense, your author is sick but Trying Her Best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 09:47:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9118342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamsiriusblackserious/pseuds/iamsiriusblackserious
Summary: small glimpses into the continuing saga of sirius, remus, and their beloved puppy simonno dumb jokes were harmed in the making of this fic





	

**Author's Note:**

> ...then that must mean the lord is my shepherd
> 
> (I just heard that joke for the first time the other day and I literally couldn't resist)
> 
> I did it. I managed to finish this...kinda. it was supposed to be longer, and more coherent, but it's done, so I'm content. 
> 
> this is for my darling skylar once more, one of the most understanding people I've ever met. I hope you like it
> 
> I might come back to edit this later - I'm super sick rn and probably missed some big spelling errors or smth
> 
> enjoy!

“Remus, he’s doing it again. He’s absolutely _trouncing_ my flower beds.”

“Again? Did you tell him to stop?”

“Yes, of course I told him to stop! He doesn’t listen to me!”

“Okay, did you use your command voice? It’s important for him to know that you’re in charge.”

“I used my mom voice, Remus, it didn’t work! Look, I know you’ve got your hands full, but do you think maybe you could…?”

“Oh, please, take him!” James begs, reaching over to pry the kitchen knife from Remus’ hand. “He’s completely ruined the cucumbers and I’ve watched him almost chop his own fingers off three times.”

“You’re the one who asked for help!” Remus says, grumbling under his breath while wiping his hands with a dishtowel.

“Remus, if you wouldn’t mind…?”

“On it, Lils.” Remus stalks to the open back patio door and shouts, “Sirius, stop whatever it is you’re doing!”

There’s a loud thunking sound, imaginative cursing, and seconds later, a whirlwind of black, red, and gold blows in from the backyard and into the kitchen. Skidding to a stop before his mother, four-year old Harry throws his arms out grandly and announces, “Padfoot said bad words!”

Simon, who’d stopped by Remus for a quick scratch behind the ears, barks his agreement. He’s just the slightest bit filthy, though thankfully not as filthy as his first night home. As usual, his tail wags enthusiastically, inadvertently slinging bits of mud onto the floor. “You’ll be needing a bath,” Remus tells him sternly.

Simon’s tail continues to wag happily.

Remus sighs. “Where’s your father?”

As if on cue, Sirius stumbles into the kitchen. His grin is infectious and not at all contrite. “We found a toad!” he says, zeroing in on Remus immediately. He toes off his dirty boots and leaves them by the door. “Cat found it first, actually, then Simon tried to catch it.”

“For the last time, the cat’s name is not cat!” Lily sighs. “It’s-”

“But the toad got away in the end,” Sirius continues without pause, and Lily just throws her hands in the air and sighs once more.

From the kitchen, James calls out, “I need a hand in here! But not from someone whose hands are dirty...or Remus.”

“I’m really feeling the love, mate!” Remus yells, turning to the side to allow Lily to slip past him. “Your love is a cocoon, I’m going to emerge as a beautiful and loved butterfly.”

“You’re already a beautiful and loved butterfly,” Sirius tells him. Before Remus can even open his mouth, Sirius grabs Harry’s hand and loudly announces that they’re going to wash up.

Remus shakes his head and sighs. He couldn’t be mad if he tried, really. Sirius is, ironically, being completely serious.

 

-

 

They spend a hellish amount of money on flea medication. Every time _Simon_ scratches, _Sirius_ scratches. Every time _Simon_ whines in discomfort, _Sirius_ whines in discomfort. And every time Remus kicks _Simon_ out of bed, he’s forced to kick _Sirius_ out as well, and then they both stare sadly from the floor until Remus relents. Then _Remus_ scratches, and _Remus_ whines in discomfort. It’s a vicious cycle.

 

-

 

Since Sirius insisted that, “no seriously, Remus, you can’t call me Daddy anymore, my heart can’t take it!”, Remus has taken to calling him random names when addressing Simon. It was a bit amusing at first. Then annoying. Then amusing.

Then he ran out of normal human names and got creative.

“Go take the ball to cupcake, Simon!” Remus coos. He’s hamming it up, the shit, he’s never cooed in his entire life. Even baby Remus, Sirius is convinced, came out of the womb and immediately began spouting words like ‘avarice’ and ‘compartmentalize’.

“To farquad, that’s right, take it to panda!”

And of course, to Sirius’ chagrin, Simon somehow always understands the nonsensical string of words and makes a beeline for Sirius.

It’s annoying today. But it’ll be amusing again tomorrow, so he just smiles and takes the spit-covered ball when it’s offered to him.

 

-

 

“Dogs are not allowed in the dog park. _People_ are not allowed in the dog park.”

“He absolutely is. There are three dogs literally ten feet away from where we’re standing.”

“It’s-” Sirius sighs. “Never mind. You’re such a shut-in.”

Remus scowls and elbows Sirius in the side. “Hey, I get out. I get out plenty,” he protests.

Sirius grunts in pain but still manages an unattractive snort. “You get out when I drag you out.”

A smile tugs at the corner of Remus’ mouth. “Ah yes, my social butterfly. Admit it, Sirius; since we’ve been dating, you’ve turned into a bit of a shut-in yourself.”

“Well, I’m permanently attached to the best looking shut-in the world over,” Sirius counters, bumping Remus’ shoulder lightly with his own. “Why go outside when I can look at you from the comfort of my own bed?”

“You’re such a sap,” Remus groans. He jogs off under the pretense of taking Simon to his favorite tree, but not before Sirius sees the embarrassed flush on his face.

He adds it to the mental tally in his head.

 

-

 

“I honestly thought he was joking about the puppy shower,” Lily stage-whispers in the general direction of his ear.

Sirius, seated across the yard and helping Simon open up his fourth present (spoiler alert: it’s another chew toy, this one shaped like a steak), is too excited to hear.

Plucking uncomfortably at the string strapping the jauntily-sat party hat atop his head (which was more of a birthday thing, not that he had the strength to argue at this point), Remus sighs, “So did I.”

“Oi!” Sirius calls out angrily. “Which of you unoriginal fucks got us a damn gift card?!”

Peter carefully hides behind a convenient tree.

“It’s only for £5!”

 

-

 

Remus is sat on the floor, and around him is chaos.

Sirius blinks. It takes him a truly remarkable amount of time to make sense of what he’s seeing, and when he does, the first thing he says is, “Love, there’s another dog in here.”

Remus rolls his eyes. “I’m aware,” he says, resuming his careful stroking of the unfamiliar puppy draped across his lap.

“But-” Sirius’ brain is still processing. “But - I didn’t bring this one home,” he finishes, his voice going thready by the end. “Did I?” he wonders aloud.

“Of course you didn’t, turnip.”

Sirius wrinkles his nose at the endearment.

Pretending not to notice, Remus continues, “I brought her here. Meet Tulli.”

“Tulli?”

“Short for Tulip. Came with the adoption.She already answers to it.”

“ _Adoption_?!”

“Oh, right.” Remus straightens up and gestures to the room in general. “Congratulations! You’re a dad! Again.”

Sirius is frozen in place for another solid minute, his wide-eyed gaze darting from the dog (really cute and fluffy, damn) and his boyfriend (extra cute today, and is that a new jumper?) and Simon (whom he’s just noticed is jumping excitedly around the living room, getting close enough to sniff at the strange dog, only to leap back again - his tail is wagging happily, at least) and back again.

His handbag thumps onto the carpet as he falls to his knees, crawling forward and throwing his arms around as much of his little family as he can reach. “I’ve always wanted a daughter!” he sobs. It’s only partly for show.

Remus grins.

**Author's Note:**

> bonus:
> 
> "you know what this means?"
> 
> "I haven't the slightest."
> 
> "another puppy shower!"
> 
> "SIRIUS NO ONE WILL ACCEPT OUR CALLS"
> 
> -
> 
> come see me on [tumblr](http://iamsiriusblackserious.tumblr.com/)


End file.
